orange_sadona

   Aug 4, 2020 I just got home from a 5 day stay in the hospital.   I had the tee test, and the blood clot is still there as a result they not only canceled the ablation, but also admitted me into the hospital for 5 days.   They changed the blood thinner, and apparently the one they are trying now requires very much monitoring.   I feel like a pin cession. I had to have blood drawn every 6 hours while I was in the hospital,  and will need it done weekly for the next 6 weeks.   At the end of the 6 weeks they will again do a tee to see if the clot is gone. If it is not the doctor would like to ablate another part of my heart and put in an artificial pace maker.  I do not want that.  The doctors all say my heart is strong and I am really do not want to make it weaker .  If they do this different ablation to put the pace maker in the top of my heart will still be shaking redound wildly around.  How can that be better?  
     Many have said they are praying for me, but I am starting to wonder if God is listening.   Each time it fails makes it harder to be hopeful the next time, and i feel like I am running out of options.   Either I do nothing and ware my heart out, or if I can not get an ablation done I may end up having yet another mechanical thing inside my body. I hate that though.   So here we go another 6 weeks of waiting and possible disappointment

     Tomorrow is supposed to be the day for the test to see if the clot cleared and if it did they will try the ablation.   It is so scary not knowing when I go in if I will wake up with the clot gone and the ablation done or if the clot will still be there.  It does not help my worries when I found something on line dated about 9 years ago that said ablation patients do not live a really long time after the ablation . I hope that has changed.  The whole point of this is to make my heart work more efficiently so I may have a long healthier life.  It would be a cruel joke on me if I have it and it actually shortens my life span. 
     I guess I am really not doing myself any favors looking at all these things that could go wrong, but I am one that likes to be prepared for the worst.  Then if the best happens I was ready to deal with the bad, so I can enjoy the better. I went for blood work yesterday and it was an hour long wait for  them to take one tube of blood.  I have problems with anxiety, and I was freaking out when I could not find my niece. They would not let her go in with me.   This was only the second time she had ever taken me for anything health related. Usually her mom does it. My niece is a good girl,and I do not think she would leave me, but when you have anxiety problems your mind does not always thing straight
     I am doing my best to not dissolve into a quivering mass of nerves and fear, but it is hard.  Times like this I wish my mom was still alive and healthy. She always knew how to calm me down when I would get like this.  I took one of my anxiety pills but it is not taking effect yet, hope it does soon.   We have dark clouds out here today and I think they will be around all week.  Dark clouds do not help my mood when I get in one of these thinking about bad things moods.
     The hospital has not called me yet with any instructions about tomorrow no time yet either and that is another thing I am worried about, What if they did not schedule it as planned.   I called down to the hospital the other day and I was told they do not usually call with the instructions till the day before, so they still have time.  I hate that last minute planning thing.

     I have 3 more days before I find out if that clot cleared and if they can now do the ablation.  I am trying to stay calm, and optimistic, but optimism is harder to come buy when I know they had already tried this once and it did not work out.  Part of me wants to go into it like I did the last time with excitement about how much better I will do after the ablation, but another part of me keeps whispering in my head, " It did not work the first time what makes you think it will work now?" 
    I am a big believer in everything happening for a reason.  Could be they found the clot to stop the ablation, because if they had not it could have been knocked loose during the ablation and maybe killed me on the table.  A small voice inside of me keeps whispering maybe it is just the universe messing with you.
     Want to know what is crazy?  With all this about to happen the main thing my brain keeps obsessing about is a movie that is going to be on tv for the first time that night.   I really want to see it, but even if all goes perfect and the clot is gone and the ablation happens and I get sent home the same day. I will probably get out of there too late to watch it. Even if I am near a tv when it is time for it to come on, who's to say I will not fall asleep during the movie because of all the stress that at that point should be letting go.
    I got a busy couple days in front of me. Everything I have seen on line says I will not be able to do any lifting for a couple weeks, so before I go in I need to make sure all my laundry his done and that the house is clean.  I am really frightened to be alone at home the first night after they do it IF they can do it.  I hope they keep me in the hospital for the first night at least. That way if anything goes wrong they will be there to fix it.  I really hate blood thinners, but with afib they are needed.  I guess it is all in the lords hands now. I just hope he sees fit to make me well.

   I do not know which is worse the clot in my heart, or the anxiety of waiting to see if it dissolved, and if they will be able to do the ablation now.  I was told by a good church lady I know that it was a good thing they found it and did not go ahead with it at the originally scheduled time, but it does not feel lucky to me.  I have been afraid to do anything this past month.  I am frightened I may knock the clot loose.   I know just sitting or laying around is not a healthy thing to do either, but it is hard to think about being more active when your anxiety is telling you maybe it will jar loose if you moved too much.    It is really hard to be hopeful about this next test I want to believe it will all come out fine.  They say good things come to those who wait I have been waiting over a month sense they found the clot and many  more months before it was found.   I just can't help but think what if :  What if it did not dissolve I really did not want a pace maker.  What if it did dissolve and the ablation does not work?   What if something goes wrong in the procedure, and I get more complications then I had before we started?  Or what if I die on the table?  Although I guess if I die on the table any future what ifs will be someone else's problem. lol I really should not laugh, but I think it is better then crying all the time, because I am really frightened.
     When they first came up with this ablation idea I had all kinds of hope and positive thoughts, but after it being canceled once by a blood clot much of my positive thoughts have drained out of me.   I am 62 years old and some would say I had a good life, but there are still things I wanted to do before I no longer can do anything.  I should have taken this time between the 2 tests to work on some of them, but every time I tried the negative thoughts came back.  I have been more depressed this month then I have in years.  Even if everything goes great, the clot is gone and the procedure goes well, I will still have another 3 months waiting time till we know if it worked.
     This is insane I spent my whole life trying to do the right things to stay healthy, and now I may be cut down by a blood clot.   I find it a bit eyeopening that something meant to save ones life the ability for the blood to clot and stop you from bleeding to death, should also be able to cause many problems if it forms inside your body.   If the human body was a man made product I think it would be recalled for a design flaw like that. lol   Sorry if I bored anyone with my worries, but with this pandemic thing I really do not get out to talk to people much these days.

     I got the call today.   If all goes as planned I will be going back in to see if the blood clot is gone on the 30th of July.   The doctor wanted to do the ablation the next day if it has cleared, but his nurse is going to try to get him to do them both the same day IF the clot is gone.   I have a long way to travel to the hospital, and she remembered the only way I can get there is if my brother takes me.   She wants to make it so he does not miss as much work as he would if they were done on different days.   Not many health care people are that considerate.  Fact is the doctor probably wanted to do it in 2 days because then he could double bill.   If they do both in one day the insurance company will only let them bill once.  
     I just hope the clot is all gone when they check it and that the ablation will work.   Bet my throat is going to be supper sore after having things shoved down it for hrs. , but if it works it will be worth all the pain.   To be able to walk or ride a bike and not need to be afraid of having an afib attack.   My brother thinks it will work out, but after not getting the first time and finding a blood clot I do not have as much confidence in it this time.