orange_sadona

I still have not gotten that last tee, because I am not sure i want to know anymore. IF the clot is gone ( which i doubt it will be) the plan is to schedule the ablation of that left atrium. The more I think about it the more I worry that If I were to go along with the ablation of the left atrium if the doctor would do something deliberately to necessitate a pace maker. The meds they have me on now and the fact I lost 30 lbs have helped to control the heart issues.I find myself thinking more and more about maybe just folding and learning to live with it.
If I did try for the ablation and it went bad I would never be able to have an even semi normal life. I would be afraid of everything, but if i get the tee and find the clot is still there it stands a pretty good chance of being calcified, and would probably not be going anywhere so all I would need to do is make sure I did not get anymore.
The whole thing is really depressing. When this all started I was told I was a prime candidate for this , and now it looks like all my hopes and dreams of a more normal life were for nothing.
Oh well like I tell people God has a plan for everyone and it may not be what we wished it to be, but it is the way he wants it to be. I firmly believe nothing in this world is random , everything is meant to happen as it does. If I am meant to have a blood clot the rest of my life so be it. I always wanted to live to be 100, but that is not likely. I am not happy about not making it to 100 , but it may not be in the plan. I just wish I had something to leave behind so people years from my death would know I had existed.