Lately I have been thinking a lot about many different subjects, so if my mind wonders I am sorry. I have been thinking about what a waist my life has been. Most of it because of illness but the rest because of lack of courage. Every time I think I may see a light at the end of the tunnel someone causes a landslide to fall on my head. I do not know what hurts more what has already happened or what I know is going to happen and am powerless to stop. Way I see it there are 2 paths for me. One where I rise above the stupid things in my life that keep pulling me down and depressed and 2 I let it all bury me and just curl up and die under the weight.
Here lately I have been very fragile so I am not sure I am strong enough to dig out. I had someone offer me a shovel a couple nights ago, I do not know if they did it out of caring for me or because or what they know I could do for them if I were free from this emotional prison. I used to have such good instants about people but lately I can feel my instincts failing me.
I always felt we were here to help others and help each other along life's rocky road , but lately I feel like I have been beaten down by those rocks thrown at me by people I once loved. I am beginning to wonder if I should do what so many have told me to do and forget about other peoples needs and only look after my own. It does not seem like those I care about care a bout me. If they did I would not have to do all the work to keep them as friends. I am just so damn tired.
